82. DECODING THE CORPORATE JARGON (2005)

 STRESS, SUCCESS AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN 

The Highs and Lows of A Woman’s Journey in the Corporate World

CARE: This is Chapter 82 of my book Stress, Success and Everything In-Between. These are individual anecdotes but to understand the professional journey in totality, I would recommend reading the book right from Chapter 01 onwards.

Upon my next promotion, I was required to work alongside a reputed management consultancy company, which the Bank had engaged to re-engineer the business processes to make them at par with global standards.

Being a hard-core banker for thirty-five years and hands-on with the systems and procedures of the Bank, I knew the principles of Indian banking but nothing about the advanced methods used in other countries to enhance customer satisfaction. I had to bridge the gap between my homegrown wisdom and the global best practices as we had to work together to design and implement the drastic changes the Bank had envisioned.

Though the Consultants were there to guide us, they could not advise us without understanding our existing processes, necessitating constant dialogue between them and our team members.

As a traditional banker, I was totally unaware of the corporate jargon. I knew only the archaic official language used in the Bank, which we humorously called Bank Officialese. On the other hand, the consultants were masters of corporate jargon, spoken with a slight American accent and peppered with modern management phrases. I found their language both amusing and confusing in the beginning.

My first encounter with the consultants was a phone call.

"I wanted to skedule (schedule) a meeting with you, Ms Bharij," one of them called up and said.

Did he say skedule when he wanted to say schedule? Oh, American accent! In our Bank, we just landed up in another office without seeking a formal appointment. If we needed to check availability, it would be a curt, "I want an appointment," not this fancy scheduling a meeting.

The next day, they arrived exactly on time- five of them, all dressed immaculately in black suits and white shirts, though all had different-coloured ties. One of them carried a laptop trolley. I was mighty impressed by their punctuality, mannerism and the Men-in-Black vibe.

"Hi! How are you?" I asked their team leader as they walked in together.

"I am good. I am good. How about you, Ms Bharij?" He replied cheerfully.

Good? Opposite of Bad? But we always said, "I am fine," or "I am ok". Should I also say I am good? I pondered.

They introduced themselves, each presenting a business card, not a visiting card, mind you and that too with both hands. Ouch! So formal! So business-like! The discussions began, and I started juggling two tasks: understanding the new concepts and suggestions for implementation in the Bank and deciphering their baffling jargon. It was like learning a new language on the fly, with phrases like, "You cannot compare apples with oranges." Apparently, one cannot compare them.

When one of them suggested preparing a Laundry List, I looked askance and wondered which laundry they were referring to. Hmm... It meant a complete to-do list and had nothing to do with the pile of dirty linen I had left at home.

What did they mean by repeating a phrase like My take? Why could they not say "Your view" or "My opinion?"

And what was the meaning of ballpark figures? Did they arrive at these figures while playing baseball in the Oval Maidan on Sundays? But do they get time for that? Ok, got it! These were only estimates, which could always be dismissed if they did not work.

The same was the case with back-of-the-envelope calculations. When I heard this expression for the first time, it made me wonder whether they did not have calculators or even proper paper. Why did they have to use the back of an envelope? Hmmm... these figures were the ones they quoted as rough estimates. I asked them when they could provide accurate data. One of them assured me he would do it within a week if he could leverage his bandwidth. Eh? Do humans also have bandwidth? Earlier, I thought bandwidth pertained only to wi-fi or the Internet. I realised during the dialogue that humans also have bandwidth. Why could he not simply say time permitting?

Discussing the initiatives further, one of the consultants suggested we aim at the low-hanging fruits first. The "Apples and Oranges" statement had confused me enough earlier, and the concept of low-hanging fruits compounded it further.

The acronym TAT popped up frequently during the entire discussion. I soon learnt that it meant "Turn Around Time," a concept that became a big pain point for all operatives.

They suggested we try to create Synergy between the branches and the CPCs. Oh my God, could it not be called cooperation?   

The next confusing word was core competencies and the deliverables. Before I could get the hang of these,  there was the suggestion for mystery shopping. I wondered what shopping I was required to do? I frowned, and he clarified it was an incognito visit to a few private banks. Ok! Got it. This shopping was not about buying shoes; it was to gather information about the systems and procedures of competitor banks surreptitiously. Uh oh, it was industrial espionage!

And then there was the constant question: Are we on the same page? Which page? I looked at the document. The presentation was over. It turned out it only meant, "Do you agree?" Why could they not just say that?

By the end of the meeting, someone summarised the takeaways. Now what was that? I had heard of takeaways from a restaurant after dinner, but takeaways after the meeting?

One of the takeaways was that I should engage with the Managing Director and align him with one of the proposals. Are bosses like car wheels now that they need to be aligned? I thought we discussed the proposals in the Bank, but engaging with the boss and aligning him with our idea was the new confusing vocabulary.  

Before leaving, they asked me to keep all those issues on my radar screen. Radar screen? Was I to act like an air traffic controller now? I thought.

Decoding corporate jargon was like learning a new language. It was an enlightening experience. It took some time, but eventually, I succeeded in decoding the corporate jargon.

(To be continued...)

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